Cratie etiquette and other notes

Cracking open “The Cratie Etiquette Manual for Young Men,” we examine Rule No. 1, which reads thusly:

Should you find yourself riding your cratie and in sudden need of transporting your girlfriend, it is generally looked upon as boorish and rude to make her ride in the milk crate. So, as our upstanding young gentleman demonstrates, try all other options first.

(Sorry about the photo quality here. I was at a distance on foot, barefoot, holding a baby and in no position to launch a pursuit for a better shot. Excuses, excuses!)

* * *

OK, I can’t help myself. I just love “Master Plans.”

Look, we all know what downtown Eugene really needs is more people, right? More people means businesses should be able to do better. More people means those folks now considered a tad unsavory get absorbed in a larger mass of humanity and all of a sudden end up seeming less troubling. So how to get more people down there? … Hmmm. Wait! I’ve got it! Right under our noses the whole time! And so simple!

The answer is … rendering software!

Behold! See what can soar from the old EWEB pole yard with just a few quick clicks of a mouse!

I noticed this image accompanying an article in the EWEB newsletter Pipeline, which was mailed to my house the other day. (The best part — look really closely — is the guy standing on a tiny stage playing a saxophone through a little amp to a small crowd of most attentive bystanders, including a child with a balloon.) The headline accompanying this article announces that the area will be “teeming with people walking, shopping, cycling, eating …”

Teeming! With people!

Of course it will be. You can see them right there. Right next the to all the imaginary buildings. The one thing I can feel sure of is that — no matter what — it will indeed be teeming at the pole yard sometime next January.

* * *

The real reason that Eugene’s Liberty Bank failed:

One measly bike rack!

* * *

And finally:

Here’s another excuse you can cross off that list of “reasons” that you might opt for the car rather than the bike: Broken leg.

Big toes-up to this guy, spotted near 5th Street Market. His left foot was clipped in, pedaling; his right was just hanging there. And it looks like he has actually gone to the trouble of removing his right pedal to make this all the more convenient — because it’s probably no fun at all repeatedly smashing your cast-wrapped broken leg with a rotating piece of metal.

I think I shall make this guy the first recipient of a much coveted Eugene Bicyclist “All Star Perseverance” Award (the existence of which was unknown until just this very instant). We’ll call it the ASPy, complete with no monetary prize whatsoever. Just a warm, itchy feeling inside his cast.

The only downside I can see is that he’s actually making his left leg stronger, so that when the cast comes off his atrophied right leg is going to be even more out of balance than it would otherwise have been. Maybe he can just pedal with only his right leg for a couple of weeks to get things back in sync.

So the next time you break your leg, shatter your ankle, rupture your Achilles or undergo bunion removal surgery, just remember: NO EXCUSES. There’s a reason you have two legs, people.

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