Moreover, I’m thinking that the freshly convened Oregon Legislature will be trying mightily to ignore the rabid badger in its lap — i.e., the budget. That’s a no-win situation for any elected official, so lawmakers may well be ripe for some handy distractions. Like a safety crusade!
So, here are a few more bicycle-related bills that EugeneBicyclist lobbyists be pushing in the days ahead:
It shall be unlawful for any cyclist to undertake the transport of a banjo …
Or any item that could be (or could be mistaken for) a jousting lance …
Or perhaps that is actually a small surface-to-air missile.
Either way, we don’t like the looks of it. So, no. Not allowed.
Heck, let’s just make it no unsafe loads, in general.
We’d also like to propose that it shall be illegal to have more than one milk crate on any one bicycle.
And for God’s sake, one cyclist shall not be permitted to propel more than one bicycle simultaneously.
What was this young man thinking? Clearly, he was not thinking about safety, was he? A $90 fine is what we are thinking. At least. Because, look — can you believe it? — he appears to be wearing headphones, as well.
One cyclist shall not be permitted to propel more than one bicycle simultaneously even if one of said bicycles has no wheels.
Need we explain the perils of this? I think not.
Also, it shall be unlawful to place in-your-face, holier-than-thou and/or sanctimonious signs or messages on your bike.
These are not appropriate in the era of The New Civility.
We shall allow no handlebars oriented at cruel or impossible angles
Can you say “impaled”? No! We don’t condone bullfighting in this country, and we will not condone this.
No laminated decorative spoke cards …
which might possibly fly out and sever someone’s jugular.
No! This is a death machine in waiting.
And my God, I shudder to think of the horrid scenarios that could result from this activity:
No dangerously oversized baskets.
I mean, really. Is this person needing to portage a half dozen rabbits all at once?
Nor shall we permit baskets that look like they were formerly used as props on the set of “Survivor” …
And which could sag dangerously onto the front tire resulting in a friction and therefore fire hazard. The last thing we need out on our public highways are cyclists bursting into flames.
I think, also, that we can learn something from the corporate lawyers who are charged with protecting bicycle manufacturers from lawsuits. They must know something.
So, we will prohibit the riding of bicycles in the rain, just to be safe …
… and also at night, when it is known to get dark.
(!) This attorney even saw the need for an exclamation mark (!)
Oh, oh! And this! I almost forgot. How is it possible — how! — that this is still legal? After all these years?
“Look, Ma!” my ass. NO! End it now.
If you feel I’ve forgotten something, feel free to exercise your right to petition your government for a redress of grievances …