No, we will not be of any use today

I was going to write something helpful and informative today. I was going to tell you about a new page on the city of Eugene website that attempts to explain sharrows and buffered bike lanes and back-in diagonal parking …

No. What I feel compelled to do instead, I think, is attempt to explain this …

… today’s Notable Bike of the Week.

Excuse me, while I open a beer.

Now, I suppose we should start with the handlebars:

Drop-style handlebars spun upside down I see rather often. But drop-style bars actually installed backwards?

We could call this arrangement: “the African black wildebeest” …

… or maybe we could call it: “Harnish the Highland cow”:

I hope you are aware, by the way, that a seatpost binder bolt is nothing but a marketing gimmick designed to separate you from your hard-earned cash:

Besides, it will save you precious ounces on the cruel climb up the Col du Tormalet. Which may be beneficial because you have removed your derailleur:

Yes, we have addressed the poor man’s single-speed before.

Sure, you could go buy one of these ==>

Of course, that might require buying a new back wheel, too. So it can run into a little bit of money.

Or you just take off your derailleur and shorten up your chain. Voilà. A single-speed on the cheap. It’s also a good way to go if you are not fully comfortable with commitment.

15-tooth cog: You’re not really sure you love me, are you?

Cyclist: What? Of course I love you.

15-tooth cog: Then why do you keep all these other cogs around?

Cyclist: Well, I can’t afford single-cog freewheel right now. I promise, as soon as I can afford it, I’ll get one.

15-tooth cog: You spent more on beer last night than it would have cost to go buy one.

Cyclist: It was my buddy’s birthday!

15-tooth cog: I think you’re afraid of commitment.

Cyclist: Do we have to have this conversation now?

15-tooth cog: And you don’t love me. You never tell me you love me.

Cyclist: I do to!

15-tooth cog: I know all about how you were. You were a real player, flitting from cog to cog without a care in the world.

Cyclist: I took the derailleur off!

15-tooth cog: I really don’t like that one way up at the top, the 28-tooth cog. She’s so easy.

Cyclist: Hey, that’s not fair. Sometimes, she’s just what a guy needs after a hard day.

15-tooth cog: I know you still have the derailleur, too. I saw it in your toolbox.

Cyclist: Look, I admit it. I enjoyed my many gears. But that was then. This is now. Now it’s just you. You’re my only gear. The only one I need.

15-tooth cog: Really?

Cyclist: Eugene is pretty flat — for the most part.

15-tooth cog: I still don’t trust you when you go visit that friend of yours up on College Hill.

3 thoughts on “No, we will not be of any use today

  1. Nice banner.

    I love this line: “15-tooth cog: I really don’t like that one way up at the top, the 28-tooth cog. She’s so easy.”

  2. In order to get that fancy upside down handle bar look that is popular among the DUII crowd, the bars must be installed backwards. My guess is, this person acquired this bike in such condition and thought, “Well that just looks ridiculous! I am going to turn these the right way.” Then was dismayed to find out it would take slightly more effort to actually make it correct and promptly gave up.

    I truly appreciate the angle of the saddle most of all. That position is sure to relieve the pressure on the “goods” right? However this poor rider doesn’t realize that that sort of seat angle will only rock the pelvis forward and exacerbate the very problem they are trying to avoid. That’s right I said it, EXACERBATE. But hey, it’s just a bike, right? Who cares if it is comfortable or works properly…

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